How do you recover

Almost everyone knows my life story...how i couldnt join basketball team but could do cheerleading. Or how everyone quit inviting me over after 5th grade because they all knew I would be told no.

I've come to realize that I have absolutely no stock in my self worth. Doesnt matter how much a person tells me I'm a good mom, or how good I look, I just dont ever feel like I truly measure up. Ive never been good enough uo til now, so why would anything be different now?

How do you recover from years of never feeling like you werent ever good enough? How do I let go if all this anger and bitterness? It isnt doing me any good yet its still here. I need to do this..not just for myself but for my kids as well. Hopefully the answer is out there. Maybe.

OFI Memorial Wall

It was recently brought to my attention that there is a memorial that was built by servicemen in Iraq to remember their fallen comrades. No one in the U.S. knew about it until now. A soldier took it upon himself to videotape the wall and broadcast it on youtube. That's great, really it is, but the reaction...not so much.

Seems as if some of those who's loved ones died serving want the memorial to be shipped to the United States. Why? Because THEY want it. Never mind that it's there for the soldiers so they can pay their respects to those they served with. I get it, really I do, I just don't see the point in bringing the wall home until all of those fighting overseas come home.

I think it would be poignant if it were returned when everyone else came home too. In a way it'd have been like those who died still served and came home with their fellow comrades. What a way to honor their memory...to allow the wall to stand in Iraq rather than collect dust sitting in a mall. Yeah, a mall. Someone thinks it'd be great to stick the wall in a MALL. To me that's degrading to anyone and everyone who ever fought in a war. "Yeah my name's on a wall in the Great American Mall." That just doesn't sit right with me.


Letters are among the most significant memorial a person can leave behind them.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Ya Give me Fever

Isn't amazing how it always seems as if a bunch of your friends drank from the same well and in turn wind up pregnant? I know groupings like that is bound to happen if you know more than one person but it never ceases to amaze me. Getting on Facebook is like watching seasons come and go...as soon as one friend posts that they're expecting you can bet it won't be too long before someone else posts the same thing.

Currently I know of at least seven that are expecting and two that have had their little ones within the past few weeks. Seeing all these babies makes me look at my two and think, "Aw. It'd be great to have another one!" Mind you, I am not one to jump a bandwagon however I still have my moments of weakness. When the kids are playing and laughing, sleeping like angels in THEIR beds, or just doing something that I think is cute usually causes me to get a case of baby fever.

I absolutely adore my babies and wouldn't give them up for anything in this world. With that said, I know that if I were to have another one right now Im not so certain I could atest to my mental stability. Having two is a lot of work and I'm sure any number would have it's moments. I just don't think that right now would be a good time to drown myself. Haha.

Landon will be five in December and Lexi is only one. We live in a tin can on the north side of town. Not exactly the ideal situation for three babinos. I'm usually reminded of my downfalls when the kids are having a metldown at the same time. Or when Lex is throwing one of her ragdoll tantrums. Hopefully in the future things will look much better. Then we can sit down and decide if one more brat, I mean, kid, is in our future. I guess until then I'll just suffer with my baby fever. ;)

Parenting

As both kids lay in their beds crying becasue they didn't want to go to sleep, I starting thinking... what makes a good parent? Is it those who's every breath is dedicated to making their little one's wants/needs come true? Or is it the one who sits in front of the TV all day while the kids sound out what is under the kitchen sink?

It's hard to find your way as a parent. One minute you're the creme de le creme, the next you're the 'bad guy'. What's even worse is that there are so many schools of thought on what makes a great parent that half the time your left scratching your head. If you spank your child then you are doing nothing but inflicting long term damage on to the kids. However if you don't then you as a parent have allowed your child free reign.

I don't know if I'm a good parent although my husband likes to tell me otherwise. I love my children with all my heart and because of that, I want nothing more than for them to grow up to be healthy, happy, productive members of society. How I do that may not suit another's taste but that's okay. We are all learning on the job and there is no way for one person to be better suited at parenting than another. Like Dr. Phil once said, "You do what you know."

What I know is this: loving your child, setting boundaries, expecting something of them (within reason, of course!), and just flat out being their biggest advocate is, in my opinion, what makes a great parent. You don't have to cater to their every whim or fancy. Saying no doesn't make you a bad parent just like saying yes will make you a push over.

Children grow up too fast to care that you bought them every coloring book, educational gadget, or hot toy they wanted. What they'll remember the most is spending time with you. That's the greatest gift a great parent can give: Time.

Running with Scissors

I love it when I try something for the first time. Reality has a real nice way of putting me in my place and showing my short-comings.
1. Decide to cut my hair. I butcher it to the point that my friend had to rescue me. A hair stylist I am not.
2. I bought a preschool workbook for Lil man. I dont have the patience that it obviously takes to teach my son. I hate repeating myself. A teacher I am not.
3. I was considering making bows, tutus etc for Lexi. I was ok at the actual making of tutus, never had money to try bow making. However I never had enough tulle for a real good tutu. A crafter I am not.
4. Looking to find something to help bring income while lex is an infant, I decided to bake cakes. I burnt the two cakes I was doing for Landon's birthday and they were super crumbally. I gad to buy new cake mix. I didnt even bother trying fondant. A baker I am not.
But like all things in life, there is a ggod side. There is something I am good at. I can recall medical information in a blink of an eye, even coming up with solutions for things that Ive never dealt with. I may not be cut out to teach, bake, cut hair, or create works of art, but I ,ay be cut out for the medical field. One day I will get to find out. But until that day comes, Im a stressed out SAHM trying her best to keep it together even when the idea of running with scissors sounds appealing.

The View

Why is ok to be pro-choice, but not okay to be pro-life? Both are simply just views of a topic; both deserve respect. I am pro-life but I believe in having a choice in the matter. Do I tell those who think differently than me that they are wrong, dumb, or misinformed? No because my opinion is just that- an opinion. Yes, a woman should have a choice in what she does with her body but at the same time, the life that is growing within her didn't have a choice in being created. This is where I struggle with the whole 'life vs choice' debate. I don't think a woman should give up her body but at the same time...I just can't imagine ending a life before it's even began.
Another often debated topic is how a child is fed. WHY does it even matter? Does it accompish anything to tear a woman down for nourshing her child the way she sees fit? Not everyone wants to breastfeed (or can, for that matter) and not everyone that breastfeeds wants to use formula. Sure, breastfeeding has benefits. I nursed my first born and am currently breastfeeding number 2. At the end of the day what should matter is that a child has a full belly, clothes, and a safe place to rest their head at night. I would rather build a woman up, to help her be the best mother she can be than to tear her down simply because she chose a different path than I did.
Religion is another one. Just because I chose to believe in God does not make me dumb or disillusioned. It just means that I chose to go a different way. I feel in my heart that God is real, that the Bible was INSPIRED by Him, etc etc. I don't see how telling people that what they believe in is idiotic when in fact there is no proof to back up either side. It's all about faith. Some believe that God doesn't exist, others do. Those who believe aren't hurting anyone -in general- for thinking that there is Something or Someone out there capable of such mercy and love. (Yes, I know all about God smiting the unbelievers...it does say He is a jealous God) I have atheist friends and family. Never in a million years will you ever see me tell them that they are going to hell for believing differently than me. I can't be 100% certain God/Heaven/Hell are real. I can only live my life the way I feel I should.
I could go on and on about this vs that but it all seems to boil down to one thing: everyone wants their view to be the ONLY one. They can't be wrong because then everything they believed in would be wrong. The beauty of having a brain is the ability to use it- to choose what we want to do with our lives. It shouldn't matter who we fall in love with, the lives that are (or aren't) brought into this world, what religion we choose to follow, or how we feed our children. We are all human beings, capable of error but also capable of love and compassion. Isn't it time we started showing that?